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 thread  Author  Topic: Re: Platonic Whisper.  (Read 521 times)
Linato
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xx Re: Platonic Whisper.
« Thread started on: Jun 11th, 2008, 2:13pm »

XD! I'll read this as soon as I get done with renovating TERM, Del.
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Clay Hallow
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xx Re: Platonic Whisper.
« Reply #1 on: Jun 11th, 2008, 9:48pm »

Platonic whisper is a story about a man who finds the body of a young female.
The narrator's emotions are such that he feels a connection to the body because he is the one who found her and her lifeless body evokes feelings of his own mortality and the fragile nature of life. In addition, his curiosty about who she was, just how she died, haunts him well into adulthood. He feels as though he has a relationship with the girl based on the feelings he brings to the scene and those which follow him into maturity. This obviously would be a very onesided relationship because I doubt a lifeless body could particiapte in the relationship since it is void of feelings.

The story was very good and used many strong verbs to conjure images.

I would change ingnited the ignition, It is redundant. There is one line I didn't understand....
"Even decades into the future, when I had married and fathered my own children, spoiling theirs."

I might consider changing the verb in the line that went something like this "The skin peeked out of the seaweed," this isn't the exact line but it was something like that.

Some body parts look like little creatures, like a finger or something, and maybe that could peek. Maybe skin could peek, just let it be understood that the verb "Peeks," conjures up certain images in the mind. I don't really dislike the line I am just offering a possible suggestion.

Oh yes, the line about the moons light needs an apostrophe to show ownership.

Good story, thanks for sharing it on Clauden.


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