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Dan
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xx I HATE when someone eats their food too loud
« Thread started on: Jul 24th, 2009, 10:59am »

I'm eating a spicy chicken quesadilla in the cafeteria and my buddy Stan comes up with a big juicy apple. I look at him askance, knowing all too well that soon he'll be slurping and crunching that apple in my ear. Looking around for an escape I curse that my spicy chicken quesadilla is not from taco bell, and therefore good to go. This muther has to be eaten where it lies. Accepting fate I give Stan my most endearing smile, trying not to punch my fist through his teeth and out his back-door. I'm managing well when stacy sits down next to me with a big bowl of pea soup. She starts licking her lips and rubbing her hands together and I'm on the verge of being sick. Now I'm a pretty big guy so before I know it my quesadilla is gone and I'm really hungry still. The thing to keep in mind is that I'm really angry.

I HATE loud eating!

So Stan starts eating his apple just as Lara begins on her soup. Slurp crunch, lick, lick slurp crunch. I think I'm going insane. Hastily I get up and make my good bye's almost running out of the hallway piping mad. I stop at the candy machine because I'm so hungry. I order some peanut butter cups, much better than peanut butter on a regular chocolate bar.

I HATE peanut butter on a regular chocolate bar.

As I gingerly open the peanut butter cups like a virgin p****, some tool comes by and gets a damn crunchy bar.

I HATE crunchy bars.

Crunch Crunch Crunch.

Did I mention I was wearing a speedo? This is important for the end of the story. Now I'm not gay or anything, but I think a guy should be able to eat a peanut butter cup in public wearing a speedo, without being hit on by other dudes or hairy lipped women.

In any case this guy is eating really loud and mary comes out after finishing her pea soup. She says she was worried about me because I ran out so fast, and I knew she was going to bother me unless I gave an excuse. Thinking quickly I told her I had explosive diarrhea. A look of pity wavered on her face between a look of disgust, or was it intrigue? In any case I excused myself and went to the washroom. To my surprise that spicy chicken quesadilla actually started cramping my stomach. Knowing from experience that diarrhea and speedos don't mix I quickly found the only handicap stall and braced myself.

Nothing.

I HATE when that happens.

Filled with such uncontrollable rage as I've never before felt, I left the bathroom to see Lucy and Stan talking with crunchy boy, all three eating a bag of doritos. I went into a rage and started kicking and punching. Left right left right. I was an inferno of anger and righteous rage. For near to 6 minutes I laid a beating on those three that was biblical in scope and effect. Now I'm a pretty big guy but the looks people were giving couldn't have been accounted for by the damage I had unleashed. I stared for a minute stupified before looking down at my speedos.

The diarrhea had come... the diarrhea had come.

I HATE that.
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Clay Hallow
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xx Re: I HATE when someone eats their food too loud
« Reply #1 on: Jul 28th, 2009, 12:26am »

Pretty funny story Wade.

I wonder if Speedo man is related to my mom. My mom can't stand when people make "mouth noises," or when I eat over the phone.

Don't really understand why a guy would wear a speedo in a cafeteria but then I've read news stories where people do stranger things. Just read a news article about a woman who was carjacking and robbing people with a bikini on.
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Elliot Byer
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xx Re: I HATE when someone eats their food too loud
« Reply #2 on: Jul 28th, 2009, 7:10pm »

Clay, who could you possibly know who can stand "mouth noises"?
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